[Sosfbay-discuss] Meanwhile in Southern California...

[TNHarter at aol.com]

 Hollywood Power Outage Sends City into Chaos

 No electricity for 26 minutes.

 "This is our Tsunami."


 by Joshua Gates - Actor. Photographer. Victim.


 LOS ANGELES, CA, September 12, 2005 -- Horror and disbelief swept through 
the greater Hollywood area this afternoon as a minor power outage turned the 
city into a virtual war zone, and local residents struggled to deal with the 
devastating aftermath.


 The outage struck at 1:35 PM, during LA's busy afternoon coffee and Pilates 
rush hour. Traffic lights fell dark, local gyms and sushi restaurants were 
without power for nearly 30 minutes and many businesses were illuminated only by 
the light of the sun and its blistering 78 degree heat.


 "It was horrible," said out-of-work actor and voice-over artist Rick Shea. 
"I was in a Jamba Juice on Melrose when it, hit and the blenders simply shut 
down. A woman lunged for my Berry Lime Sublime and after that, well, it got 
pretty ugly."


 In the ensuing panic, local radio stations broadcast conflicting reports as 
to exactly which local businesses would be offering relief supplies. Almost 
100 people flocked to the Starbucks at Santa Monica and La Brea only to find 
helpless baristas, no hot coffee and a totally meager selection of baked goods.


 "My mother is 83 years old, and we heard on the radio that this Starbucks 
was going to be up and running. If she doesn't get a venti Arabian Mocha Sanani, 
I don't know what's going to happen to her; I really don't," said Lucinda  
Merino of Los Feliz.


 To make matters worse, those few people who did manage to get coffee were 
further thwarted by a total lack of artificial sweeteners on site. "Sugar in the 
Raw? Are you friggin' kidding me?" sobbed local homosexual and avid salsa 
dancer, Enrique Santoro. "I'm on the South Beach Diet, and my insulin levels are 
going to go crazy if I use this. Why isn't the rest of the country doing 
something?"


 Deteriorating conditions will force authorities to evacuate the thousands of 
people at local Quiznos, movie theaters, and upscale shopping centers, 
including The Beverly Center, where a policeman told CNN that unrest was escalating. 
The officer expressed concern that the situation could worsen overnight after 
patrons defaced multiple "So You Think You Can Dance" posters, looted a Baby 
Gap and demanded free makeovers en masse at a MAC cosmetics store during the 
afternoon.


 At least 2,000 refugees, a majority of them beautiful, will travel in a bus 
convoy to Beverly Hills starting this evening and will be sheltered at the 
8-year-old Spago on North Canon where soft omelettes with confit bacon and Hudson 
Valley foie gras were being airlifted in by The National Guard. Thank 
heavens.


 Honorary Mayor of Hollywood, Johnny Grant, told a group of embedded 
reporters at a Koo Koo Roo Chicken restaurant on Larchmont that, "The scope and scale 
of this disaster is almost too much to comprehend. Local carwashes are at a 
stand-still, the tram tour at Universal Studios has been on hold for almost an 
hour now, and I've been waiting for a rotisserie leg and thigh with a side of 
green beans for upwards of 15 minutes. This truly is our Tsunami."


 "We want to accommodate those people suffering in The Beverly Center as 
quickly as possible for the simple reason that they have been through a horrible 
ordeal," Grant said.


 "We need water. We need low-carb bread," said Martha Owens, 49, who was one 
of the thousands trapped in The Beverly Center when the escalators stopped 
moving. "They need to start sending somebody through here."


 Along miles of coastline, the power simply surged, causing writers to lose 
upwards of a page of original screenplay material, causing DirecTV service to 
work only intermittently and forcing local residents to walk outside and look 
helplessly at the breathtaking Pacific from their ocean-view decks.


 "I can hardly begin to put this experience into words," said seasoned Two 
and a Half Men writer John Edlestein. "I was just getting into my rhythm and 
making some real headway on a scene where Charlie Sheen parties with a busload of 
female volleyball players, when my PowerBook crapped out. I have nothing. 
Simply, nothing."


 Delivering his weekly radio address live from the White House, President 
Bush announced he was deploying more than 7,000 additional active-duty troops to 
the region. He comforted victims and praised relief workers. "But despite 
their best efforts, the magnitude of responding to a crisis over a disaster area 
this sunny and trendy has created tremendous problems," he said. "The result is 
that many of our citizens simply are not getting the help they need, 
especially in the Hollywood Hills, and that is unacceptable."


 "Southern Californians are resilient. I have no doubt they will bounce back 
like this never happened," professed Cellulite Reduction Specialist Kim 
Bellevue. "The therapy sessions could reach an all-time high, though."
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